Should I tell my husband I’m a lesbian?

Should I tell my husband I'm a lesbian?

You’re a lesbian, but you realized it too late. Now, you’re married to a man, and you don’t know whether to tell him or keep living a lie. Here’s our advice.

Should you tell your husband you’re a lesbian? Probably. But here’s the thing… life isn’t always black and white. I could sit here and tell you to stop being such a coward and be honest with your husband about your sexuality – and with yourself. But it’s probably not that simple. If you’ve been together long enough to build a marriage, your bond is probably pretty forged. Maybe you have a house or a dog or kids that would be caught in the inevitable chaos of coming out of the closet and destroying your marriage in one fell swoop. If nothing else, maybe you’re just terrified of losing your best friend.

You don’t have one “right” answer to gravitate toward, friends. But you do have your gut, and chances are it’s telling you exactly what you need to do. All you have to do is listen. Whatever decision you make will be scary and life-altering and probably pretty painful, but until you make that decision, you’ll be living an ambiguous and extremely unhappy life. Take it from someone who stayed in a toxic relationship for way too long.

If you decide to be honest…

It’ll be one of the scariest things you’ve ever done. You’ll spend hours weighing the pros and cons and then, when you do bite the bullet, you’ll wonder for months whether or not you made the right decision. Life as you know it will come crashing down around you, and a lot of people will get hurt in the process – including you. You’ll be forced to say goodbye to someone you love very much, and will have to admit that that love just wasn’t enough. Trust me when I say that there are few things in this world more painful than admitting that something you want to work so badly just isn’t going to work.

The good news? That pain will be worth it. You’ll find true happiness – no matter how long it takes – and wind up living a life that’s everything you hoped it would be.

If you decide to keep it a secret…

You’ll spend the rest of your life living a lie. Things will be fine – good, even – but something will always be missing. Your marriage will suffer as you stop having sex and start picking fights over stupid, trivial matters as a way to voice your hidden frustrations without admitting what’s actually wrong. You’ll get really good at putting on a happy face in front of friends and family, but deep down you’ll realize that having a cushy life doesn’t compare to being truly happy. You’ll get to keep your dog and your house, and your kids will have a mom and a dad that live together, but that hole in your soul won’t ever stop growing.

At the end of the day, the choice is yours.

Editor's note: When I was reading Faith this blog, she wisely pointed out that behind a third door lies the option to tell your husband that you're gay and float the option of having an open relationship. This will give you both the freedom to fulfill your sexual desires elsewhere, and the comfort of knowing your home life won't change all that much. It's like having your cake, and eating it to.

Emily WatsonLoveComment